I feel like sober is me a distant relative that I only see on christmas..
He just made his dick say "woof" and howl at me. can you pick me up?
oh my god. i just found my camera... on top of the bush outside of my house. never let me drink everclear again
DON'T BE A PUSSY. ONLY 1/3 OF THE WORDS IN YOUR LAST TEXT WERE MISSPELLED, WHICH MEANS YOU NEED 2/3 MORE SHOTS.
Well we're gonna drink when we get home and I just invited the cab driver to play beer pong
The boys wrestled in the living room for the last condom while the girls chanted, "THE LAST MELON."
My dog is now used to me drunk singing and sleeps through it. I don't know how I feel about this
Never thought going to McDonald's alone at 3 AM would end with a blowjob outside some random girl's apartment...
I just got hit with cramps and found a mystery pill. I'm gonna stay put for an hour and at least see what happens.
I have an interview tomorrow and listed you as a reference. If they call you, please don't tell them about the time I smuggled a Chalupa out of Taco Bell in my underwear.
I left her alone for a few minutes and she's already using a guy on his hands and knees as a chair while another guy is serving her margaritas.
Puking in the Ritz Carlton bathroom was actually kind of a nice experience
He said I taste like cake. Like funfetti. So I feel like if he doesn't come back for that he's just dumb
I know it's wrong but I'm human. Now get over here, tie me up, feed me pizza and Fuck the crazy out of me. Please.
Side note: I apologize for sex being the subject of every single one of my texts. That's what happens when you date an older man who constantly denies you sex on the basis of his ridiculous morals.
Randomize
