i feel like the prize bull at the rodeo. everybody got a ride, no one lasted more than 8 seconds and i'm pretty sure i kicked one of them in the ball sack
then she came back into the room with a neckbrace on. i thought she was getting ready for the pounding of a lifetime.
things that need to be invented #43: vodka that also acts as birth control.
In Denver there are more bars per capita than any other city also the healthiest city. That means lots of drunk girls and no fatties.
you woke me up at 7 am banging on my wall.. what the hell
thats the international knock for joint time
Yeah I should probably start planning our first conversation instead of our first child.
I'm gonna go drown myself in the shower. Make sure to cover me up before the paramedics arrive. I'm too fat to be seen naked right now.
Cant wait to drunkenly tell by kids that i banged their aunt katie in a weird threesome
who dressed up as a cop at your party???
idk I have to check. Why?
he gave me the best strip search of my life. FIND HIM.
Do you deliver to the black dark pit where I am? I think it's called.... The toilet? Right next to hell...
In last nights drunken stupor i apparently purchased a luxury travel package for two to Australia. So uh...get a passport and clear your schedule for next month
Your life has no conflict it's just a blur of sex and Netflix
My sex life reached a new low tonight: we stopped into this bar so I could pee and when I got out of the bathroom my parents had ordered a round for us and this traveling nurse they met and were trying to run game for me. Saddest part? She was actually going for it.
You know how it is. Tell me not to do somebody and suddenly I wanna.
If he has a beard, chances are, that’s an open invitation to sit on his face
Randomize
