Bike broken, reschedule party till thursday:(
he invited me to an all week drinking party at his house. apparently he knows the key to my heart is booze shaped.
i dont know why he would complain when i touch him there.
i wish that i had sketchier friends so that it would be easier to get drugs
I didnt realize my nipple ring fell out until he coughed it up.
Every day I regret the life decisions that led me to bank management and NOT being a coke addicted stripper. Every. Single. Day.
Just so we're on the same page, we cannot have been the first people to have ever thought about shooting that guy with crossbow
I think I've reached that age where I should start dating "congrats" and not "are you keeping it?"
Why yes actually, getting stoned and reading an AARP magazine IS totally where I wanted my night to end!
Batteries died. I don't care that you're studying for the bar. Come over. Bring the law books and study after. I'll even make coffee.
I told you when I started the only reason I was gonna coach your kids soccer team was that I could meet all the hot soccer moms. So why are you so mad I slept with your ex?
I really feel like I should slow down on the getting hammered. I told a bartender on "Taco Tuesday" that a $3 margarita was too expensive. And proceeded to have a $70 tab.
And anyway at least being paid in opium makes a cool story
I feel like I owe her child an apology or something after blowing my load on the tattoo she has of her.
She was riding a razor scooter down the street wearing nothing but a feather boa it was beautiful.
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