This kristen chick is fuckin nuts. She's pyscho. She's a trainwreck. She carries baggage. She's... Perfect.
just jacked off in the bed i was conceived in.
your tears are not going to buy me drinks...
I was talking to this girl who was in love with the air force. I was doing decently until I mentioned that the navy actually has more planes. Cockblocked by my knowledge of random trivia again.
Some guy just delivered flowers to my roommate cause he fell off a roof onto her at a party last night. I think they have a date tomorrow.
there's sperm and chicken noodle soup everywhere
I'm making myself a nametag with my contact info and pinning it to myself like a kindergardenter in case I get lost when I black out on Sat.
Can we laminate it? Just to be safe.
I'm in the sex attic, crying, eating french toast and taco
I cried at the bouncer while saying I wished he was my father... They had no idea what to do with me.
I enjoy it and I rock at it. I wish there were a respectable way to make giving blow jobs a career.
It's a 'fuck poison control' kind of night.
Fuck my life he IS a stripper, Ive been sleeping with a stripper named Phoenix. damnit, I knew the sex was too good
I was taking a nap and she comes in wo/ pants, gets up on the bed and mounts my face while watching Weeds on Netflix. I'm okay with it, but at least let me wake up first.
Gameplan: If the cops show up, find a potted plant to hide behind... It's worked before!
And he put his penis in my face and I back handed it away.
Randomize
