the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
She told me she was a cowboys fan... I told her it was a waste of a perfect set of tits
know what turns me on? long, stringy hair on a pasty looking girl with an overstuffed backpack and kneepads over her jeans in case she falls off her scooter
your less of a man for seeing that
So the coke mirror was perfectly angeled at my face right when i woke up this morning. I now know how I'd look on intervention.
i've never seen someone face fit so perfectly in a toilet bowl
It feels like I've shaved away my winter coat and my vagina is going to freeze if I go outside.
the room spins SO much faster in panama
I don't remember much of last night. But I woke up with very apologetic texts from him this morning so apparently I didn't get laid. Which is stupid.
HE TRIED TO HIT ME WITH A CHAIR. Stoned video games are NOT happening again
My dog got laid yesterday. Some lady came over with her husky to breed. He did it like a champ. I was so proud
Mcnellies. I'm drunk enough that you have a window. Capitalize.
Nothing says "happy birthday" like a negative pregnancy test
I'm just gonna put on a documentary and throw up
Do you want to talk about dinosaurs?
I took the beard trimmer to my balls this morning.\nMuch blood. Much blood from my scrotum.
Randomize
