just saw a girl throwing up in a taco bell nacho cantainor going 60 down the highway
I feel like I had a lobotomy last night. I blacked out. Did we try to stick my Penis in a beer bottle?
You told the entire McDonalds staff that I was a whore and that you didn't want your french fries cooked.
Im on the side of I-10 covered in sweat, cookie dough, hollandaise sauce, onion gravy, and ground beef wondering how my life I ended up here
I think the threesome was inevitable when she walked out in nothing but his boxers followed by him completely naked.
1 tequila 2 tequila 3 tequila, floor.
*roof
Not drinking has really freed up a lot of my time. I made a bracelet yesterday. I miss bars.
Fingerblasting some girl on the deck tryna get her to fuck on a lifeboat
It's 2pm, and I just had to pass a guy in the turning lane because he was driving down Main Street in an electric wheelchair pulling a flatbed trailer with 2 of his buddies in it and they were all drunk holding beers.
I can't believe you didn't come out. There was a duckling ON THE BAR!
it's ok my mom asked me why i had a guys shirt on and also why there was chocolate all over my bra
In my drunk state I was like I ONLY HAD SEX WITH SOMEONE ELSE BECAUSE HE WAS THE HOTTEST GUY IVE EVER EVEN SEEN
Happy anniversary, did you sign and mail in the divorce papers yet?
He's far too busy staring into my soul to touch my tits.
To potentially get me laid, I need you to send me your favorite memes.
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