I just hit a new low..poured my beer in an empty coke can so I could drink in walmart.
So I'm up to masturbating three times a day, drunk textin my ex, not doing any hw and I've failed half of my tests so far
Sounds better than last semester
We left around 4am, just after you laid down on your front lawn to take a piss. After 15 mins I said "dude are you still peeing?" you replied "Nope, just laying here with my dick out."
You were so excited to be getting 4 tickets to the Whale Rodeo.... That high
I standby a snuggie being perfectly acceptable attire for drunkenly walking your dog at 5am. Our new neighbors did not seem to agree.
Would you wanna look up as you cum and for a split-second see your dad?
I'm not a horrible person, I just see what everyone chooses to politely ignore.. And occasionally say it aloud whilst deeply intoxicated.
I have family pictures in an hour and a half and I'm 9 beers deep. This is how I get written out of my grandparents will...
Omg just had weirdest best cab advice situation ever. I kissed the cabbies hand as I was leaving like he was the pope and cried
hoooly shit dude in taco costume challenged alpha douche to a fight. he's got catch phrases. come. now.
I want to have sex with Will Smith. I guess I have a thing with 90s sitcom stars. Stamos, Joey Lawrence, John Goodman.
What is the acceptable way to offer a trade of sex for a few hours of body heat?
I'm supposed to be at work in 10 min, I just woke up and am 45 min away...tinder for the win
How was jagerbomb pong?
It was like communism. Great in theory. Terrible when put into practice
i am also 80% sure that my shirt glows in the dark.
Randomize
