Just woke to a Christmas wrapped pack of hotdogs in my bathtub. How high did we get?
Using pokemon references during sexual acts is always a good idea.
my mom sold the house because of the grow room the couple saw i had in the basement.
Put a customer on hold today while I threw up. If I don't get employee of the month, I'm suing.
you don't know true fear until you are a convinced that velociraptors are trying to kill you through your roof.
Your lack of enthusiasm for my exciting news of drunken debauchery with an otherwise occupied vagina of one of my greatest conquests yet disturbs me. I'm not happy with you
Seriously your house is like the underground railroad for unwanted gay kids
Was there a condom involved? Because he was saying he wanted a kid. Repeatedly.
You don't understand. There's baclava and there's post sex baclava. You can't compare the two.
He kept asking for nudes so I sent him a picture another guys dick. He called me ruthless.
Shirley Temple died. We owe it to her to get dirty shirley wasted.
Can you get snapchat back so I can show you all the places I threw up in/on last night?
I just moonwalked my socks off. THAT LAZY. THAT HIGH.
Sitting in a waiting room with 15 children has me contemplating if I ever want to have sex again...
I'm seriously considering starting a savings account so I'll have bail money this summer.
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