I slayed a troll last night at BC guess i thought i was back in college
i havee beer in my backseat and a glow in the dark condom in my cleaveage.
you're going for the gold here.
Well, I'm a guy so I don't have one, but if its anything like the inside of my nose, yes, vodka would burn.
woke up rolled in a yoga mat listening to enya. I'm never going back to Oregon ever again.
I need to stop sleeping with republicans and cowboys fans.
I think the taxi driver just requested me on facebook..... his name was george right?
Plus my stomach has been speaking through my ass all day sending notes saying "fuck you" and "this is from your liver" or "i will kill you."
For once I want to have sex without having to google the after effects of it.
Getting a vibrator would be like waving the white flag of surrender in this war against my vagina and its hormone army.
I really thought I'd be the only alcoholic drinking alone in my car at noon in the Lowe's parking lot. Passed out dude in the car next to me begs to differ.
My life is a clusterfuck of men and disorderly priorities right meow.
you walked around drinking beer out of a plunger and telling people it was a goblet...
He serenaded me a cappella to Ed Sheeran. I wasn't going to leave his dick unsucked.
Did you mark a random day on my calendar as National Seth Day?
Sounds like a legit day to me.
It's magical, I'm just dancing. It's like prom but by myself and with less clothes.
Randomize
