Pls stop me from telling anyone else my broken blood-vessel + splint are "climax-related" injuries.
yes we were fucking thats why i put "watching a movie" in quotations
tonight i'm making a christmas tree shaped shot pyramid
You got ahold of his prescription papers and gave out prescriptions for cranberry and vodka
There are some college kids out at 4 in the morning dragging each other on a sled behind a bike. its too entertaining to call the cops
I wonder if her husband knows I have my own drawer at the apartment
The bartender just legitimately thanked me for breaking the cycle of speed metal by playing mmmbop.
i don't think that has ever happened before in the history of man
I'm pretty sure the guy in front of me at Walmart doesn't have good plans. It's one am he is buying a flash light and black bandanna
Yeah, but he has adorable dimples and dimples talk me into things.
I found a guy who will take me to the Olive Garden and he is CONVENTIONALLY ATTRACTIVE.
Of course, you have to give the courtesy text like last night when I told you my dick was gonna smell like peppermint
Nothing quite like the "I had sex you a month ago and now we're stopped at the same 4 way" wave
He stole my heart. I stole his identity.
She's gonna be mad if she finds out you put weed in her house warming cookies
FYI brushing your teeth & taking off your makeup does not erase the shame from the night before
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