I only want to know people that are dynamic intelligent and totally insane
): 100 percent naked, unless you count a tiara as clothing.
Life lesson: Don't ever put your penis in a crazy girl. Especially if she's married. And has a kid.
why did u have a candy cane hung on your dick in the first place?
she has a santa fetish
cute.
MIND BOGGLER: batman and jesus are the same person. Think about it.
Just had a pleasant conversation with a mugger while he was taking off my shoes. Why can't I get along with people like this sober?
they came at us with fireworks while we were skinny dipping in her jacuzzi at 4 am...
A girl just asked me if we had pregnancy tests and a coworker had to stop me from telling her I was a pregnancy test. THAT is why I don't drink at work.
I'm not really sure if I peed the bed last night or if the cat was trying to get back at me for using her litter box last weekend
I mean.. listen to "Put It In My Mouth" and you'll get the gist of my voicemail for you.
He smells like ham and a lifetime of poor choices
I'm tripping pretty hard right now but every time a Volvo drives by I feel like everything is gonna be alright
The only people who will bring me pizza or tacos want a commitment and I'm hungry for food not their love.
You shouldn't play strip poker when you're having a wet fart kind of day.
I told him you forbid me to sleep with him so he needs to accept that.
Randomize
