Doo rag and shades in the bar. You are missing your future husband.
I would say the hottest chick there looked like Susan Boyle and the ugliest like Bea Arthur
Nice use of current day folklore
ppl dont tell me stories about anal. apparently im not a tell-me-stories-about-anal kind of person
Just found out what was wrong with Esther. Turns out she's 33 and still not married. This explains everything.
September 16th, captains log. I awoke in a daze, not sure of my location
I feel like just to watch it, I need to be high. To understand it, I'd need enough drugs to kill an elephant.
He wanted me naked, so I got naked. You can't hold that against me.
There should be an app that tazers me in my pocket when I'm spending too much money at the bar. Take a hint, Android Network. You slut.
Got to the gym, getting changed, found a jello shot in my shoes.
Well, when you bump into your parents at a swingers meetup, it's time to change cities
Quick how do you hit on a guy in the car behind you? It's important.
Home-made laxative recipe: activia yogurt and tequila shots. Any ratio ought to work.
Odd start to the day - the FBI just showed up at my apartment.
At the ER. John needs stiches. Fuck pub trivia nights.
I was looking at your nipple and it made me think of you
Well I hope so...
Randomize
