so that wasnt chicken after all
I just watched a trucker jack off to a picture of Ellen DeGeneres at a truck stop in Nebraska.
literally every day that goes by where he doesn't talk to me makes me more determined to get him to have sex with me
My glasses are somewhere in your living room. Also, my underwear might be in your bathroom or on or around your porch. Sorry.
Just had to return the shit I stole from the dining hall, with everyone watching...apparently there ARE consequences for being drunk, coked up and belligerent.
Just found out they make medicinal lollipops, bought like 40 of them. Gonna go fill a pediatricians lollipop bowl.
I think this girl gave me a handjob thinking that I would help her with her cell phone bill
omg. that's awesome
I woke up this morning to find a stuffed animal submerged in the toilet. I'm not entirely sure if it was the cat or Kara.
cool, get new shit, I dnt want the same old if it's my last drink ever
The world isn't ending you idiot. I'll grab beer
Do to my newly discovered condition I'm having to resort to emergency beat sessions to avoid the temptation to text girls I know are easy slams.
I was just the victim of a drive by judging in a horse and buggy.
The fuck? Where?
St. Mary's. Amish people. Too high for this.
I probably should have eaten more before I started shotgunning beers at 9am, but it was so much damn fun.
Do you have pictures of my pancakes
I need to show the world
They are the pancake equivalent of eventual wife
Omg no hes gotta go down on me. Then itll be like my vagina has kissed the stanley cup.
I have blood and BBQ sauce all over my shirt. I blame you for the blood.
Randomize
