If you want to dance with a less than stellar Asian chick, I have just the girl for you.
I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
I just had an epiphany. There is NOTHING TO STOP ME from making cake mix and eating it all instead of making a cake. It feels like my entire life has peaked at this moment.
They need a stunt cock, be about 20 more minutes.
Peach margaritas. And fuck whatever you're about to say, the girl to guy ratio is like 6:1. I need those odds
He doesn't make grammatical errors. Even while getting head.
I wish I could just thrust my cock straight into her new relationship.
No, no, no. Fuck you. I took a glass blowing class solely to learn how to make that bong. You shattered it and my dreams in a matter of five seconds.
the water pistols in the freezer are full of voddka.
Are you proud of yourself?
ask me again when I'm drunk. Then fuck off.
I just saw a guy in a hazmat suit riding a tractor.
I just shaved my pubes into a heart shape. if that doesn't scream romantic idk what does
I saved a sauce packet from taco bell that said "Free me" to use in my next break up.
woke up between a girl's legs. make your own conclusion.
my favorite part was when you kept waving @ that guy and insisiting it was your cousin..and it wasnt and wondering why he wasnt waving back lol you were legit PISSED
Randomize
