I specifically asked you not to be slutty tonight.
does pizza still have the 5 second rule in the bubble bath?
I want to let you in on my two latest life goals. Have a photograph of me squirting whipped cream into a midget's mouth, and have sex on a roof.
If you get me so fucked up I can't use the microwave , I'm going to be so mad at you
Is it too early to say this year has been a blur?
i told him i was allergic to semen. he pulled out an epipen.
I need to stop drinking alone, I wrote a love letter to my tattoos
Ways to ruin a one night stand: the guy finds your parenting magazine on your dorm room desk.
I have a high opinion of you, you smash bitches. Respect.
Not yoga, whiskey. Totally mis-typed whiskey.
What part of a retired stonemason dealing with your rock hard cock does not sound like you have the wrong number ?
Please let me buy the coffee, all my assets are in starbucks gift cards
Nothing like sitting at your midterm pissed at yourself because you put your graphing calculator batteries in your vibrator and forgot to put them back in before the exam 😑
UVE SEEN MY TITS OKAY STOP CRYING
He put his SoundCloud on his Tinder bio. I felt personally attacked.
Randomize
