Honestly I wish you never came into my life. I know I don't want you. But I keep trying to get you back bc of the memories
I don't see you I see the memories. All the time
Just heard a guy discussing with someone else the amazing blow job you gave him. I’m in New York. Over 2 hours away from where you live. I have never been more proud.
My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
you kept slapshing your drinks on people saying the power of christ compels you.
I had to go to the bank to confirm purchases made on 10/31/09 because they were signed as Lady Gaga
Thanks for feeding me more tequila shots to prevent me from trying to fight her last night. Horrible logic? Yes, but you are the best friend ever
You spend 45 minutes trying to convince that pregnant girl you were with all night to have sex with you cause 'the worst had already happened.'
I'll see your cousin, and raise you a sister.
She said she wanted to have closure sex.
I just got released from jail. still in my kilt. bring pants damnit. they won't understand.
pants will make it better? really?
I owe you a thank you for last night. Only you could go up to a guy, ask if he likes my boobs, and return later to find us in a full on dance floor makeout sesh. Well played.
It's not really that big. Girls just think it feels big. It's a cocktical illusion.
Dad says your scarf isnt fooling anyone and u look like a douchebag, its literally the perfect time to tell him your gay
you walked in, put on rap music and started chugging vodka
UGH I HATE BEING THIS WAY IM GOING TO GO HUG THE CACTUS YOU GOT ME
Randomize
