If he eats mayonnaise, he's not getting laid. End of story.
He did a line, told me my hair looked pretty against the background of the clouds, and then we fucked. Good afternoon
He literally stopped in the middle of sex to look up sex positions on his iPhone...
Guy next to me is looking up how to press his own ecstasy pills. I'm going to befriend him and see where this goes
Did you make me take pictures of your ass last night because you fucked on some wet paint or did i dream that?
I wish my brain had a "congrats you just defeated the munchies" notification!
How can I not totally like a guy that told me my boobs were too big for me to be taught how to play golf?
I'm taking tokes in the bath tub, come if you want, I'm naked and you have to bring chicken nuggets or else you can't come in
First night sober since New Years. I'm not sure what hurts more, the hangover or the credit dread when I find out what the tickets to Bali actually cost.
It wasnt until i started dancing that i realized i pissed myself dude. I dont think shes gonna call me back.
you didnt realize it, but you puked in the bushes in front of a church and yelled "GOD IS DEAD"
Hey I'm coming to get my gin do you want a good luck blowjob for your exam tmrw
Im so drunk and the cops showed up so i ran on all 4's through the woods because i had no shoes hoping they would mistake me for a fox
Just sold my panties for 40 bucks to some rando dude at the gay bar. I think I found a way to fund next years spring break trip. Hello cancun!
I am texting my ex and my future boyfriend while eating fish and chips with my current boyfriend... How and when did I become such a terrible person???
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