I just told this girl who bought a pregnancy test "good luck"
Free beer happened. I got hammered and aaron did his first keg stand. Then went all martha stewart on redecorating the bathroom. I remember being at walmart
What theme did he decide on for the bathroom?
Well as you know martha loves the northeast this time of year. I believe the theme was 'coney island' decorrated with hot dogs and macaroni
I have a running excel spreadsheet detailing the number of shots in a night and subsequent ability to masturbate
i regret nothing . he quoted dr. suess . he deserved that bj .
She was drinking straight whiskey out of her peacock shaped vase again.
Apparently having him hold an open book in front of me while i'm blowing him doesn't count as studying...
Crumbling up chips, putting them in salsa, eating with spoon. New level of stoner fatassery. Its so genius/delicous i'm not even ashamed
Getting up is taking longer than anticipated. Alcoholic fish bowls have made getting out of bed a multitstep process.
I am eating deep fried cinnamon rolls and I found a lighter in my sprinkles. I miss you.
alright well Taco Bell Closes at 12 so you better pray to god she's asleep by then or I'm running in your house butt ass naked with a bag of tacos
He fell asleep cradling my ass and every time I moved he adjusted his hand accordingly. I've found the one.
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
You've been inside me, dude. There's no such thing as TMI.
I called him my big strong man today. It's all downhill from here. Matching Christmas sweaters, here we come
I think it's a bit on the nose for the Uber driver to play stairway to heaven while driving like A psycho.
Randomize
