I GOT EATEN OUT IN A MERCEDES ON A TUESDAY NIGHT. I EARNED THIS SHIT.
My body has become completely dependent on Text Twist. I can't poop without it.
he pulled a hernia and i had to get the morning after pill. you tell me how our valentines day went.
my dad's beating me at drinking again. No matter what i do I can't win.
you better not pull some "waking up at 2 in the afternoon" shit, we have weed to smoke.
Too bad they don't have an emoji symbol for condoms and 99 cent tacos
What's grosser: using a dirty sex towel as an oven mitt? or using the oven to reheat superbowl bean dip for dinner?
I vaguely remember making out with his tattoo (?) and giving him an awesome massage and then I passed out on his floor. Shrug
We designated a driver... But it was me..... So we designated another driver
My walk of shame was 2 miles of feathers flying off of me, underwear in hand, and a homeless man telling me he'd pray for me. It was gold medal worthy.
I may have been mad at the Supreme Court/patriarchy and tried to hate fuck myself.
for the record im never blowing a guy on the toilet again, that was sad and degrading
Could someone explain to me why there were 40 individually wrapped burritos in the fridge when I woke up this morning?
I had to explain to the doctor why I'm peeing blood. He still didn't believe a girl would have that much sex... You could feel the judgement forming in the room when I went into the details...
Damn, well a girls gotta get laid too
I’m sorry, some of us common-folk don’t have access to steady dick
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