She told me to "stuff her hole like a build-a-bear". I was so drunk I didn't even think that was weird.
There are Star Wars cutouts in his basement. Obi Wan Kenobe watched me give him a handjob.
I'm just trying to jam my tits into some coconuts and I'll be on my way
My ATM looks so different sober.
He scratched off my spray tan. Literal nail marks down my back. Can't imagine what's underneath his fingernails.
Hey if there is a better reason to go drink then "I've been fucking robbed!" I have yet to hear one. Also, I've been fucking robbed.
We had three bowls going. It was a tri-bowl tournament. Harry potter shit.
Come over. I'll eat you out and we'll make bacon.
best text I've received ever.
I think it was the free bomb shots from the creepy bolivians that sent us over the edge
That does it. We're drinking til we're pirates.
i made sure not to drool on your bed by putting my hoodie on backwards and swaddling my face in the hood
My underwear said "hard to get" on the butt. He laughed when he took them off.
I've already dropped her on the ground of a crowded bar dancing , been incoherent drunk to the point i couldn't speak and came within 2 seconds all on separate evenings so at this point she should know what I'm about
It's funny that when I fall down as an adult I'm so much happier no one saw than that I'm not seriously hurt.
Your ex roommate is making out w the kid who pees on floors and it's kinda funny
Randomize
