how to cook rice: 1. put random amount of rice and water in a pot 2. have sex on the kitchen floor. when you are done having sex the rice is ready
There is a woman in the bar breastfeeding a baby. Doing shots. Gotta love maryland Applebees.
Divorce is final. Doing tequila shots at 1 in the afternoon.
I recommend just blowing him. It's always the way to go.
He ripped off his shirt and tried to give me CPR. That damn bong.
Last time I get high to write a paper the night before it's due. "Tiny Wings and sexuality" is not an acceptable topic to for a paper. Class in 30 minutes. I'm fucked...
Listen, you need to start thinking with your vagina and not with your heart... That emotional shit is for your 30s.
Is this girl REALLY making a smoothie in the bathroom right now?
It was about the point the universe collapsed in on itself and I was a singularity of insanity that I realized I was tripping balls.
spending today hungover and untagging myself from all the pictures of me kissing girls so grandma doesnt have a heart attack. how was your new years?
Did I tell you I bit someone's arm for you last night
If I stopped mid-sex because the guy was hung like a light switch, it doesn't count, does it? Like the five second rule.
Have you ever woken up and said a thank you prayer to the beer gods for allowing you to wake up in the morning and still have the ability to walk and talk? Because we should.
if I was a good friend this would be the time that i would remind you that you have a boyfriend
Spencer just told me I got home and was opening beers with my teeth and trying to make pot butter
Randomize
