I tried to go shot for shot with some guy called "shit show martinez"
I don't think its a good idea if I moon a whole bar again
It was so delicious I was introducing it to people. Guy from my psych class was like "This is my girlfriend, Erica," and I was like, "This is my milkshake, Oreo."
she just announced that once she was paid to deep throat a light saber with a mint flavored condom on it. i'm speechless.
She was drunk breaking up with me. All of my emails to her were coming back with UNSUBSCRIBE as the subject.
i just shaved my vag. i figure it gave me about ten more minutes to drink tomorrow.
Dude, she brought over peach cobbler, weed and alcohol plus I'm gonna get laid. She's by far the coolest sister you have.
We need to put it on a rope attached to the bong, so it can't be dropped. Apparently, you need a stem safety leash.
You installed a beer holder in the shower?! You're the best roommate ever!
... That's a shower caddy.
I believe this is a toe-mate-toe vs. toe-maut-toe situation.
We poured some Korbel out for our homie Dick Clark.
The real estate's complaint had the words "loud squealing at 2am" in it. Then I remembered that was me spoon feeding you guys old potato salad while you screeched like baby birds. Great night.
I want to be "performing a disservice to society by actually wearing clothes in public" hot.
His life is a porno. He snapped me while banging a girl in the back of the ambulance.
like, you weren't just lying there, you were wrapped in what appeared to be the skin of a wolf, chanting doomsday prophecies
THE END IS NEIGH
Intoxication Level: I'm as graceful and flawless as a fucking dinosaur.
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