I told a kindergarten student that candy canes are bones of reject elves.
My dad assaulted a TSA agent this morning. Shut down airport security. Don't tell me that your family is embarrassing.
I knew something was wrong when santa got arrested
he just called me skinny, hes either trying to get laid, or i'm going to have to marry this man
Well hey if hot cowboys are involved then all bets are off.
The vodka told me to go iceskating on my frozen pool. I may have attempted.
He doesn't need to speak English. He needs to speak sex.
Basically, what i'm trying to say is, if you don't have something, excuse or gift, to satisfy my anger i am going to look you in the eye and piss on the floor.
Ok thats it i need a list. Full names, nicknames, in which frats, with a photo, of all the guys youve hooked up with because three of the same guys is ridiculous
Looking for my adderal, only found acid. What a shame
I found a briefcase foll of fireworks in my old bedroom...that's an appropriate thing to bring to a wedding, right?
Look man if you're looking for a voice of reason, you're talking to the wrong woman.
One less thong to worry about.
One less *thing! But probably that too.
I think that's the first time I had "ass rimming" scroll across my phone at work
You can only use the "she handcuffed me naked to your bed, i couldn't do anything, sorry bro" excuse once.
You have a tempurpedic. you only have you to blame.
He took a shit in my shoe. A part of me is livid and a part of me is impressed because that’s some real evil genius.
Randomize
