I just egged your windshield and it froze on contact. Have fun with that.
You tried to convince our cab driver that your $2 bill was worth $11.70
I just won unlimited hot dogs for life. I'm so glad I smoked
I just had a Brazilian done for this guy. He's getting first-date sex whether he wants it or not.
Just suggested things for my dad to get my mom for Christmas in terms of "yeah you'll get laid."
You passed out and she managed to carry you all the way back to your dorm last night. I believe your testicles now her property.
Two penises later: I might be straighter than I think.
I'm not sure if you saw my recent facebook update, but I have already put the Radio Flyer wagon to good use. I had someone pull me to the nearest bar.
Worst case scenario: I have VD and will die. That's the worst that could happen. As long as I'm around long enough to see the winner of bachelor pad, I'm cool
Almost made out with Amanda but I told her "I'm in a committed fake lesbian relationship with Laura. I can't."
Some drunk guy thought my knee scooter was the sexiest thing he's ever seen. He then proceeded to ask me about duck hunting and decoys...
I have to sanitize my nipples and its just to cold in here for it to be ok
I'm not really sure if I peed the bed last night or if the cat was trying to get back at me for using her litter box last weekend
Just chugged a Bloody Mary in 60 seconds flat. New personal best! Happy Sunday!
I asked him to explain what he meant by "hooking up" in paragraph form
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