Everyone knows that the fastest route to a corporate advancement is to take a shot in the mouth
If I had known I was gonna take my tights off and throw them over the balcony I would have shaved my legs.
this isnt the person you just texted but i have her phone. she disappeared when the bacon came home and she hasn't returned since.
Had to. She was getting married in 2 days & her vag was having a close out sale. You know I love a good bargain.
I literally just wiped coffee off of the corner of my mouth with my boob because my hands were full. Thought youd be proud. Good morning!
I swear the crows are laughing at me.
You my friend are stoned into submission
I think I'm still drunk...I just gave my empty conditioner bottle a break-up speech before I threw it away.
Duuuuuuuuuuck. and by that i mean fruuuuuuuuck. and by that i mean fuuuck
my life could not get any worse. just saw my sister in a porno
Being a fine ass woman in a world full of fuckboys is the realest struggle I've ever known.
That kid singlehandedly fucked the breakup right out of me. I'm only hooking up with Millenials from here on out.
It's only funny because he thinks you had sex with him to rob him.
Think of it as a business transaction. That's how I justify all the horrible things I do. Blow my married boss? Just a business transaction.
I ordered from the drive thru as i was peeing on the menu
I accidentally stubbed my dick
What does that even mean?
Randomize
