47 days without vaginal penetration. Im pretty sure it's grown over.
Do you realize that if your cunt was a missing person it would be assumed dead?
I knew I was in the wrong bar when "I have a daughter your age" was some random's pick up line.
About to trim my pubes so if you decide to walk in, viewer discretion is advised.
why is my underwear the only thing i was wearing that smells like vodka?
we can't get the sharpie off the toilet seat from where you pressed your forearm with THUG LIFE written on it while you puked until 3 last night
Bartender just fed me brownie. Its going to be a good night
Just had to buy plan b w/ my robotic baby from family living.. Awkward.
I think I ate my cheesy fiesta potatoes cup.
Besides the kids on acid... I was the highest kid there
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
I just put on lipstick to sext him. That should tell you where my love life is at.
If I die it's either cuz I undercooked my burger or because I used questionable cheese. I have no pants on, so if there's a wellness check, you go in first.
My cat licked the coke mirror and now is giving me dirty looks. Bet money she has the drip.
If I don't singlehandedly make your gf realize she needs to straighten the fuck up or ruin your relationship before I leave I have failed you as a friend.
I made her pull the car over 5 times to puke because she was going to fast, apparently she was only going 30mph...
Randomize
