Banjos are just sex machines. Like lights to moths, banjos are to hipster bitches.
I just wanted to say sorry for trying to jack off your dog last night.
I spent my night drunkenly staring at a picture of John Stamos. How do you think I feel?
Never underestimate the healing power of vomiting and a bath.
So, we're going at it on the sink when a German kid walks in and starts brushing his teeth. I love hostel sex.
we fucked while standing on a ladder. challenging, but worth it.
It's been decided..lingerie is an investment. You get free breakfast and cab rides out of it.
Maybe shotgunning 4 days after oral surgery wasn't such a good idea after all...
He made me this shot called the allergen. It was a shot of vodka with a Claritin dropped in it.
I woke up to find his roommate face down on the couch with no pants on, with a sticky note that said "was lost but now am found"
If 26 stitches didn't sober her up, nothing will.
Don't act like you're not jealous that I disappeared into the closet to blow my husband. Marriage = all the cock I want.
Have you ever been up at one in the morning and thought to yourself, "I do not know nearly enough about penguin reproduction"?
I'm slacking. We've been hooking up for months and I have yet to bang him while he's wearing the clown mask.
The cure for a hangover evidently is not walking around in a costume in the sun towards of park of screaming children
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