I would kick you in the vagina but I'm afraid I would lose my shoe.
Tampa is so boring. I'm dying. I want lots of cleavage at my funeral. If i cant get laid, i want my friends to. I'm that kind of person
Canada just beat USA, the sad part they still need us to make money so who really won
Just spent a extra 20 minutes on the phone with the lady from unemployment talking about how to make the best brownies.
Who cheats on Christmas eve? It's just asking for Jesus to hate you
HOLY SHIT HE'S TRYING TO EAT HIS FOOT. THIS IS THE BEST DAY OF MY LIFE.
You were telling the cab driver that you believe in him and just to follow his dreams
Hurry up. Some creepy guy with a "God is vengeful" flyer is asking where I wanna go most today. I think he's going to chop me into pieces.
She's working this semester. Her dad saw he was listed as 'the atm' on her phone and cut off tuition for three months.
Today marks the 365th consecutive day of jerkin it. I couldn't have done it without you guys. #onlynewyearsresolutionaccomplished
I feel like Jeremy snapchattong while we're fucking is a perfect example of our generation..
I was going to do a cardio thing but then tacos.
Yeah we fucked. I ran into her the next day, I had to pick up the girl scout cookies I ordered from her boyfriends kids.
Well there's a microwave in my yard now too. I fucking Bruce/Caitlyn Jennered decathloned that bitch.
He could only go see Deadpool without his girl if he was black-out drunk... because spoilers. They're the perfect couple.
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