You guys need to stop introducing me as "the girl you shared"
Is it sad that I woke up to more "Happy Holidays" texts on 4/20 than I did on Christmas?
I knew it was time to leave Waffle House when you started singing "What's Your Fantasy" to your hash browns.
To the genius that put everclear in my humidifier: your time is coming.
Like it was the Mama Mia of shit shows. That bad.
He seemed like a really nice guy. He tried to dry my shirt because someone spilled their drink on me. I think that's how I ended up topless on his dryer.
Ginormous penis in the breeze, cumming champagne showers into your eye
Somebody found our where I was and called the bar looking for me. When the bartender called my name I finished my beer and took off like a fugitive.
It was incredible. For as long as I live, I will gladly drop whatever I'm doing and spend a night with her face between my legs ANY time she asks.
I am decidedly straight, but I'll write it into my wedding vows if I have to.
Those tiny little fruit fly looking mofos. They fly past the phone and I grabbed them like Daniel-San
She shit all over my seat. She is not allowed in my car under any circumstances. Not even with drugs. You can't forgive a shit.
He sent me a snapchat of him singing wrecking ball. Guess what the wrecking ball was. Hint: he literally came.
Testing the emergency boobs hotline
The reason why I poison my organs is so that you guys can't sell them.
He’s tiny, hairless and humps my leg when he wants sex. He’s basically a chihuahua
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