I give out O-faces like they're halloween candy
I'm at the grocery store, it's 10 am and the woman in front of me just bought 3 boxes of wine. She turned around and told me not to be afraid
I asked her if she wanted to make this a permanent exclusive thing instead of a fuck buddy thing, and she just looked at me like I'm an idiot.
That's because you are an idiot.
Writing a love song to planned parenthood. what rhymes with "don't have AIDS"
He thought the strainer was a giant bowl to puke in.
My only objective is to get drunk enough to forget the last 364 days.
She pulled a wad of lint out of my bellybutton while she was blowing me. Said she's never seen anything like it. I've never gone soft so fast.
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO GET MY FUCKING CUPCAKES WHEN THE GROUNDSWORKER I HOOKED UP WITH IS LOITERING IN THE VENDING AREA
he said we should drink responsibly and we all just kinda sat there laughing at him
I swear if you get so drunk that I have to sing Bohemian Rhapsody to you again to get you to come out of the bathroom I'm leaving you at the bar this time.
Can I just go naked and covered in glitter?
One sec I was having the time of my life, the next I was shitting water
thought i saw a dude in a kilt yesterday, but then i realized he was doing a walk of shame. happy st. paddy's day.
I gave him breakup sex, AGAIN
Call me a snob but I'm not banging chicks with more fingers than teeth.
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