Cool, I just put that together. I didn't know if using a tie-died sub machinegun was too crazy
There are 9 condoms on my bed either i met the greatest girl ever last night or something horrible has happened.
your goal of the night was to unlock your iPhone with your nipple. You're going places.
Great. Me and the intoxalock guy are getting so close he just said "alright see you later girl!" when I called about getting the blower recallibrated.
Can you please reassure him im not a scary or intimidating person? And that really my entire life is a series of completely ridiculous events that have led me here?
She sucks. And I almost hooked up with a clown last night
I think people like me is why alcohol became illegal at one point
I know you're my sister, but I'm pretty sure I'm going to have sex with one of your exes this weekend. He's probably not gay, but I'll let you know.
HE GAVE ME ONE OF HIS BEERS.
YOU'RE THE CHOSEN ONE.
He carried around a bottle of jäger the whole night and when everyone thought the cops came, he started doing push ups in the middle of the floor cause he said it calmed him down.
I HAVENT SEEN A PENIS IN 5 WEEKS I REFUSE TO REMAIN CALM
How the fuck did we end up at a strip club last night.. We started the night playing bingo at a church
He's driving 2 hours to visit me and he's bringing weed. I love him so much.
It's not even noon and I've had 3 people call me a savage, one of them said it in reference to the blow job I gave them. So I guess you could say it's going to be a good weekend
Nothing will ever be as awkward as looking my mother in the eye and talking to her while I have a dick inside me. Time for a lock on my door.
Randomize
