she asked me if I wanted a handjob on the haunted mansion ride at Disney. was I suposed to say no?
He came on my face and told me I looked like a gingerbread house.
he said he doesnt sext because the government can tap that kind of shit too. no boobie pics for him.
I have "you made mistakes last night" written alllll over me.
and then she started to quack like a duck and u started throwing bread at her
I know how I'm going to make my fortune.. designing an icepack made specifically for the vagina.
He hasn't left the hospital without a nurse's number all year. My nurses are always ugly or men. Wtf bro
I want Samuel L. Jackson to stand beside me and narrate my morning shits.
My concierge just asked me to his place for dinner while I was signing for a delivery. The delivery was a box of vibrators. Let's discuss.
Your fuck buddy is making you watch the OC. I think that counts as strings attached.
I wish I had a clear image of the dude who was sucking on my tit outside the bar last night
She had a baby Jesus butt plug
4 pharmacies and not one had Plan B. If this is gods way of telling me it's time for a child, he can fuck off.
So uh... Did you mail me business cards that describe my profession as "tortured soul"?
Hey. Did I get punched in the face last night?
Yeah. I told you I would and you didn't believe me.
Randomize
