If I had a sex resume I'd get tons of jobs.
david just texted me. reply with photo of genitalia? y/n
God Help those hot young girls. It's going to be like Bambi in iraq. Except worse.
You get to witness red pubes. I'm almost jealous. That's like my dream.
He's got serious oatmeal ass...take a moment and admire how google voice to text was able to detect oatmeal ass....twice
The sun is so bright. Whhyyyyy. EYES ARE DEAD.
We can Fuck in the shower to save time
And this is why I like you. You're so damn innovative.
She's opening her family birthday cards at the bar. So we can pay our tab. Bitches wrote checks :(
What eyeshadow color says "yes I am at the dentist, and yes I am hungover please don't judge my life choices"
I tried getting kicked out of my favorite bar. No matter what I did, I could do no wrong
The guy whose porn password I use finally renewed his membership. Lazy fucker had been slacking all summer.
You were drunkenly dancing with a statue you affectionately referred to as "The Captain." I wasn't going to deny your happiness.
So you just held his hand and he fucking came...?
IT'S MY BIRTHDAY. I SHOULDN'T HAVE TO DRIVE 3 HOURS FOR BIRTHDAY SEX.
So do you guys remember Danny from Tinder?
Sorry I only remember personality traits, not names.
Randomize
