I puked a lego.
Btw the nut in my hair goes great with my outfit !!! :(
Let's just have a brief moment of silence for my dignity before we start tonight
There is no way when we get home that nothing will hapen
they could make at least 3 episode of "i shouldn't be alive" out of my weekend
I think I just broke my ankle. I've only had one beer. I'm getting drunk before I go to the ER so it's less embarassing.
I pulled down his boxers and a 20 dollar bill fell out. I'm telling you, the blowjob fairy EXISTS
Im sitting alone watching titanic. Drunk. Without pants. Holding a fishing pole. Im pretty sure im okay with all of this.
I fell asleep to the sounds of them banging in the next room. It was oddly soothing...
Update is I am officially king of Gettysburg. Tam and I are being threaded like royakt. In bought e ruined a drink
Why am I feeling up grandma?!
I'm really glad a picture of you as an infant followed this text.
I made friends with the delivery guy because he had beautiful dread locks and was a Zelda fan. He texted me after he left saying he wasn't trying to be creepy but we should be friends. We're hanging out tomorrow.
How does this kind of shit happen to you?!
The tequila monkeys have a drum solo in my skull right now. I can't imagine Emily feels better.
To be clear you just said "I'll give you a baby" as a sext?
You know the rule about how you feel bad for getting food and not offering other people you're around, does that apply when you eat burger king at a strip club?
Randomize
