Thank God for loud music. There is a circus in my butt right now.
His hospital is closing...I consider it "sorry you're losing your job" sex.
I just called my mom 'Napoleon bronaparte'. I need to stop hanging out with you.
Does making ice cubes at 4 in the morning count as being productive?
I'm sorry I kept calling you a pussy... but to be fair, you were being a pussy.
Morning yack off the fire escape. Girl walking by was mortified. Gooooooooo Ducks!!
I want to be you.
I decided tomorrow is going to be great day wether my period likes it or not
trust me, you don't know shame until you're in a peacock costume getting CPR by random dudes
Welcome to the difference between being FWBs (remember how we used to see who could get more lap dances a night?) and being in a relationship. Fun, huh?
Oh and someone pissed in my shoes, so I'll let you figure that out.
I found him in the kitchen singing German metal into a banana while simultaneously mixing brownie batter. He didn't have any pants on.
It feels so wrong having a picture of my tits next to a picture of my daughter.
I'm surronded by jorts. You're probably too drunk to care. I'm gonna cry now. Love you.
THERE ARE LEGITLY 4 SEPARATE BITE MARKS ON MY DICK. WHAT. THE. FUCK.
Legitimately*
Go fuck yourself
Just learned a very valuable life lesson. Never motorboat a cat when they have claws.
Randomize
