I would fuck her until my dick fell off. then i would fuck her with your dick.
He wouldnt get hard, then started talking about his ex wife. I literally rolled over and started to cry
THIS IS THE EMERGENCY BOOZE SYSTEM. I AM EN ROUTE TO DEWITT WITH A FIFTH OF TEQUILA. THIS IS NOT A TEST
When you finally get laid, I shall make you a trophy out of dildos
My 12 o'clock class is an all star team of my ex's hook ups
I think he's holding my wallet hostage because I puked in his car. It's not my fault he has child locks on his windows..
I'M MAKING HIKING PLANS WITH THE GIRL WHO IS DATING MY EX, THAT IS PERSONAL FUCKING GROWTH
Thanks for putting up with my drunk friend last night. Its all fun and games till someone pukes macaroni under your fridge.
i was really depressed when i left the health dept this morning after i had to write a higher number next to "partners" than "age"
I just feel weird about accepting their wedding invite when I've got a post-engagement video on my phone of him jacking off in my bathroom.
just licked whipped cream off some model's nipple... just coming clean for when the pic gets on instagram because i am not untagging that shit
I just wanna fuck your brother. Sorry if thats a crime.
I guess I called her at 2am, demanding that she bring us food. She told us to order pizza, and I yelled "DON'T MENTION PIZZA!" I recall nothing.
Hey? Just a hypothetical. You ever accidentally kill somebody's cat on purpose? Like you didn't mean to but it had it coming? If you're wondering it tripped me while I was walking down the stairs and I landed on it as I fell.
Sextember may be over, but Cocktober is just beginning!!!
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