you think the cum will come out of moms black shirt?
Dude, she's just using you for your money, and Cavs tickets.
Honestly, what else do I have going for me?
You make a valid point.
I'm treating myself to a " uve slept with yet another mr. Wrong" breakfast
Warning: at some point today you will probably see several pics of me 69-ing a blow up turtle show up on facebook. Just disregard them.
If Megan asks I spilled my water water all over her. I pissed on your roommate. You're welcome. I expect you to keep that on the down low. Seriously tell her the water thing
it was all good until he screamed "for fraaannnceee" on his last thrust
I accidentally peed all over the couch. It's safe to say I'm not welcome at that house anymore
Today's forecast: A sex tornado warning has been issued in your area. Counties affected include your bed, your shower, or your couch. This warning is in effect until further notice. Signs of a sex tornado include: your girlfriend coming up with a huge analogy to inform you that she's ungodly horny today.
The cops showed up and one of them got pushed in the pool. When he got out he looked really sad so I got him a towel and hugged him. He arrested all the underage drunkards but me.
For the record, just because I'm a mess doesn't mean I don't know what I'm talking about when I give you advice. I'm way better at other people's lives.
I don't know who's more excited for you to come home. Me or my vagina
I almost put an adult beverage in my sippy cup for the beach but realized the next step would be rehab.
No the next step is being buzzed at the beach. I would've.
I have the liquor shits and this time, it's personal.
I'm happy I peed in your laundry basket last night
I told him I hooked up with his best friend. And then he ate me out. I'm just THAT GOOD.
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