Just saw an old man buy two cases of keystone light, a case of milwaukee's best and a case of icehouse. Degenerate alcoholic of senior citizen of the year?
I'm so glad i pay social security
we found him in the shower with a bottle of jose saying "this is Mexico's fault"
I woke up and blew hamburger out my nose. That kinda night.
there's chocolate cake in my bathtub.. I don't even want to know how the hell chocolate cake wound up in my tub..
You were force feeding yourself jello and you kept repeating, "I will not surrender"
Almost ran over girl selling candy bars for charity. Pretty much obligated to buy at that point.
Tell her this is the Disneyland of penises.It's a magical place everyone should visit once in their life.
I'm treating this like a real date. My boobs aren't even out.
I'm so proud, I have tears
So I have to send you an email about my weekend, heretofore referred to as The Perfect Weekend. Wherein I have lots of awesome sex with a guy with THE MOST AMAZING BODY.
I look forward to this email. I will respond with, Condoms and Creepers: The Adventures of Online Dating.
I walked into my house with my pants inside out, no shoes and a limp. My mom asked me if I had fun but I passed out before I could reply...
We decided to try to steal hot dogs but it ended up with me punching him in the face and crying. Pretty solid night
I think I fucked up my elbow when I tried to fight off the paramedics.
You should frame my arrest warrant.
Does it look too obvious if I buy wine and candles!?! In my defense there is a gigantic snow storm coming.
before i went to bed i wrote myself a note that says 'i feel all swirly'
Randomize