I was so drunk I accidentally put in two tampons.
I tried to talk you out of it. You were worried about alcohol being a blood thinner.
I'm having sex on a snuggie, yes i stopped to text you
He took out the lube and started calling it fuck fluid
I don't understand why everytime I fuck his bestfriend he seems more interested in me...
I almost caused an explosion; It's okay though. because everyone would have died having a good time.
i wish his balls had a scratch and sniff sticker elsewhere so i would know before i even went down there
we've coined the Sunday morning ritual of taking out our puke-filled trash cans as The Trash Of Shame
after he went down on me he said he wanted an air freshener for his car scented like my vag. i cant even.
I didn't punch him it was just love coming out of my fist
Update: I may or may not be in a cult
Update #2: I may or may not be the leader of said cult
Naked snow angels was a very bad idea. My vag is now frozen shut.
He doesn't want a full on relationship, he provides me with all the weed I can handle and gives me multiple mind blowing orgasms. He's my soul mate.
I am the Angelina Jolie to his Billy Bob Thorton. We just don't work.
Apparently my thong was thrown in the cornfield last night. No one will tell me why.
For some reason drunk me always leaves sober me a banana in the morning.
Randomize
