At my boss' house at a bbq. Had a few beers. Taking a poop - there's no TP...this is my nightmare.
Soo i just shotgunned a water balloon...
There's a woman here that looks like a cross between Michael Jackson and Flipper.
I think im pregnant
I think you have the wrong number
for real. he might as well bring dogs if they're lower than a 7.
this guy had a colored tattoo of Chucky on his leg, whatever drugs he does, i want them
I think I used your jacking off shit when I showered. I couldn't see shit, it was all oily. Fuck power outages
I have fruit by the foot roll-ups. I wonder if a man could tie them together and make an editable bra....
So I dropped $130 while buying shots for an army ranger, got my fake taken, almost went to jail, and came out of my black out when I was talking to the cops with a stolen detour sign in my hands.
The upside of a losing football weekend is that there are more sad frat boys willing to let loose their inner gay man.
True love is when you jack off and continue talking to the girl you like
Why do you text me weird shit like this?
Starting the day with sex, coffee and productivity are what the founding fathers intended
My date ended with her leaving the bar with that guy who used to jerk off in the back of the school bus.
Came home to butt plugs and dildos in the bathroom sink WTF
Spring cleaning
you bounced a quarter off my butt and it came back hitting you in the eye. karma, bitch.
Randomize
