would you consider him our boss?
technically yes
then technically i slept with our boss
I'll be a little late, "getting ready for the party" turned into "smoking a bowl and doing lines in my room for an hour and a half." But I'm on my way now. With coke. And weed.
Listening to my boss get blown in the next room by a male bartender from the gay bar. And watching pawnstars. Tell me I'm not the best wingman ever.
Found plan b box covered with blood. In kitchen sick. Pickle jar is empty. Wtf happened?
I've already agreed to hook up with 3 people tonight, and its not even 2:00 yet... I think this is what the path to success looks like.
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
You had one beer and one beer can full of vodka and you took a huge gulp of one of them and called it Emily Roulette
I just took two shots of Burnerts out of a ladle. Get here now.
Like, you've got the smoothest dick in the west. Do you moisturize?
Yes I do
He was peeing on the back wall of a building. He would have been okay if the building hadn't been a police station.
I feel like there's def a learning curve to the sex swing
I tried to think of the best possible thing I could do for my 30th birthday, and the finalist is "get a clit ring"
Last night was a sign that I need to stop sleeping with any girl that can quote the mighty ducks
Specially the ones that look like Goldberg
I only live four blocks from the bar but when you're hammered this walk feels like the journey through Mordor.
Let's get this straight. I am six fucking feet tall. Do you even understand how limited my options in guys to date are? No. Did you see my last three boyfriends? I looked like a fucking giant next to them. So I will fuck this six-foot-seven Italian model even if I am the ugliest girl at this party because, goddammit, I deserve to.
Randomize
