I just tried to drunkenly fart the beat of Disturbia by Rihanna
turns out Discover card thinks that if you spend $450 at four different liquor stores in one evening that the card "must have been stolen"
do you know what's more awkward than a positive pregnancy in a public bathroom?
not a thing
walking in on a stranger's positive pregnancy test in a public bathroom
You NEED to get fingered by a violinist. He used his left hand and make me cum, he's RIGHT handed.
Because you know it would be fucking amazing to get trashed and shatter the dreams of 12 year old girls. I might get a shirt.
I feel like I'm sitting in a sleigh of puddy. It's not a bathtub though because you need a sleigh to go down a mountain.
we got plastered, then made lists of anything thats ever been in our vaginas
I know. Brad is upset because he was lower on the list than "that carrot stick"
just found a piece of pizza in my dresser.....i remember you saying you were going to save one for later so i'm assuming this is your doing
Attn every girl I've slept with in the past 26 years of my life. One of you cunts gave me herpes. This is the 4th of 5 group MMS. That's right. It's in the 50s. There are two girls I don't have #s for. One was on a cruise and the other was a prostitute in Amsterdam. So which of you has herpes?
They're doing shots to celebrate every 15 minutes passing. You can come get them.
also i think i should join the bone marrow registration when im sober
I can't tell if the dead thing in the yard is a deer or the guy I slept with last night...
I think we can all agree that the size of her boobs, combined with beer, is destroying my ability to judge looks.
I stopped for beer and woke up to a bird on my shoulder. I really need to stop drinking
Here's the "to do" list i just found on my phone: buy stripper pole, make sex playlist, buy febreeze
Randomize
