never let anyone you met on skype borrow your car. lesson learned.
Just crossed the line from casual pregrame to public intoxication. Shotgunning in a bus shelter.
When hitting a Woodchuck bottle with a machete, glass will fly back and cut your face.
I hope you did not try this.
Is your answer to that text seriously a right parenthesis
Recycling my beer bottles from breakfast counts for earth day, right?
Bone him for me, BONE HIM TWICE FOR ME.
I think I broke my hip playing drunk ping pong
By cross-referencing our messages & her Twitter feed, I've deduced that she was eating spaghetti the whole time we were sexting.
Look, sometimes you have to snapchat a topless photo of yourself in the middle of class just to prove you can. I can and I did. End of argument.
Her alarm in the morning was Best Day Ever from Spongebob. I'm have lots of conflicting feelings right now...
You held an empty wine bottle to your head and declared yourself the "wine unicorn." For the rest of the night you galloped everywhere and whenever anyone refused to be a wine unicorn with you, you tried to spear them with the bottle.
I'm watching the World Cup in bed naked with john and our USA flag aviator glasses. Can you say America?
Drunk Sam makes promises that Sober Sam can't keep
All I want for Christmas is my co-worker's speakerphone to be thrown against a brick wall, and the remains burned in a backyard fire while I roast a hot dog over it. Is that so much to ask?
Well, let me first tell you that jack and cokes were ONE FUCKING DOLLAR.. It's like the club wanted me to make poor choices.
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