I fear hooking up with people who have white pillowcases because my guyliner always smears on it and i either have to A. sneak out in the night or B. wash it and see them again
I just saw the nastiest chick.
Where?
woke up next to her... fuck you jack daniels, fuck you
we need to stop having unprotected sex.
ya i know. we're like the secret life of the american whores.
you were so drunk when the pizza guy got there you told him that you didn't have any money and would trade him the pizza for 3 Porno movies and he totally did it. I may never have to pay for pizza again
Two grown ass men just come into the bar riding humongous tricyles
Dude i think i got lasagna in my eye
I'm covered in sharpie and the girl next to me just said something smells like fried food. Hint: it's me. Why am I in class?
He's a huge toolbag douche loser with a below average dick who doesn't know how to treat a girlfriend. He was my rebound after Brady. It was a pitiful 1 month rebound "extravaganza"
you taught an eight year old how to shotgun a half pint of chocolate milk, that's all i'm saying
I still can't get the taste of her nipples and the udon noodles out of my mouth
Your ability to whip out your dick and take a pic anytime I text you is startling.
There's so much mac and cheese stuck to my foot right now
I don't even care if you were high. The fact that I've been begging for us to have those cinnamon rolls for months and you didn't even save me one is not ok.
logically I know i should probably study somewhere outside my dorm room, but if I do that then I cant drink and smoke half as much while i study
My boobs look fucktastic, I have a booty call on Sunday and a dick photo on my phone. Life is grand!
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