dont quote avril lavinge. im to drunk.
Last night started off great but became the saddest day of my life when i was drunk in a hotel room eating day old mac and cheese out of a yatzee cup with a coffee lid as a spoon...
Is 10 pm too early to booty call a freshman?
Quick question, how many times can you get chlamydia before your vagina just gives up and falls off?
You need a Jiminy Cricket, but for sexual decisions.
I almost tried texting you with my pipe. Holy fuck this is good shit.
I understand that just don't try to seduce me while making frozen pizza again.
Don't stress. That was a joke. I'd trust my pets with no one else. Accidents happen. Sometimes things go smoothly when you help a neighbor out and sometimes you electrocute their fish. Life is funny that way.
I was so horny last night, I failed to let him know about my current bed bug infestation.
Please can we have sex in this office for old times sake
The only people allowed to make me cry are myself and Chris Hemsworth as Thor. And me.
Is that your mom climbing in your window dude
i'm extremely hungover on the ski bus and the driver is playing abba. this. is. not. okay.
I had a good weekend too...although I cried about the dog in a drunken stupor last night...not one of my finest moments, but it's all water under the bridge.
cant one of your roommates drive you?
You came in my eye once. You owe me.
ill be there in 20
Randomize
