there's nothing like that first "just failed out of my program" beer
nothing like celebrating the fact that you're not a father by trying to impregnate other women
The foreigner finally woke up and the first thing he did was look up a map of the u.s. His destination is to pennsylvania.
I just celebrated my ex boyfriends birthday by having more sex than he will today.
I will come to your office dressed as a bloody mary, hug you then leave is that a good plan?
yes. bring a barf bucket too. just. in. case.
I love her to death but its like you have to do 5 lines of coke to be on her level.
Fun fact: I don't want to be an actual functioning adult because why
It was over as soon as he asked if he could name my vagina pancake.
I damn near set my vagina on fire. WHILE The Flaming Lips played in the background. Intensely apropos.
The album on my phone containing gross pictures to send when boys ask for nudes is now substantially larger than my normal photo album. Because I send one every night
Pretty sure at some point last night i said to myself "it'll be fun to completely lose my mind for a night"
You were so drunk you told some dude your life story in one short sentence... and kissed his fiancé. You're invited to the wedding.
Going on a first date tonight...pros: my boobs look amazing. Cons: my abortion isn't until next week.
My boss's toddler just went through my bag and found your vibrator...you owe me a drink.
I have filthy fantasies involving his tongue. My vagina almost exploded while he was licking that ice cream cone.
Randomize
