i got lost in a forest last night. this morning I realized the "forest" was just 6 trees on campus.
Blood drive hookups: you will probably faint during the sex, but at least you know neither of you has AIDS
just had to shower sitting down. i hope this isn't an indicator of how the rest of my week is going to go.
I just found cold cuts in the blender. You and beefeater can no longer have unsupervised parties.
drunkie insisted on stuffing the rest of his scrambled eggs in his pockets before we left ihop. we really should have left a better tip
he threw my burrito on the ground and said im too drunk. fuck that guy.
I think we should roll her a welcome back, sorry your godmom's on life support blunt.
the tv said "its small, its comfortable..." and i started laughing... safe to say he lost any dignity he had left...
Also, am I the only one who noticed he didn't fuck you until after you were technically a cripple? Or am I reading into this too much? Congrats on that btw
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
HOLD ONTO YOUR PANTIES AND SAY GOODBYE TO THE REMAINDER OF YOUR INTEGRITY
I may or may not have puked in the ladies room. Now I get to convince my client to go to substance abuse treatment. Oh, the irony.
Ever the responsible adult, I just realized that today is the Obamacare deadline, but I'm too high to handle insurance now.
That kid singlehandedly fucked the breakup right out of me. I'm only hooking up with Millenials from here on out.
I'm no longer puke free since 2013 am I.
Randomize
