If I had a penis I would totaly hang shit off it. Like stretched out peach rings and fruit rollups.
she broke up with me using backstreet boy lyrics
you deserved it if you knew it was backstreet boys.
Woke up with pink eye in both my eyes. That's how the threesome went
I gotta stop tellin complete strangers at the bar that they're the godparents to my first born
You'd be proud of me. They tried to give me bread to sober up, but I told them no, im on a diet.
Found a Safeway Deli Sandwich in the shower this morning... Perhaps the 9th beer was unnecessary.
A French guy bit my cheek. Is that sexy there? Also had to threaten to stab the bus driver. I'm not sure I like Europe.
figured you should hear this from me. Your refrigerator door is way broken. I opened it last night when i was drunk and tried to climb the shelves. i got to the one with the mustard.
Oh my god. That was the best half-hour of my life that didn't involve genitals.
Let's get drunk and put things on the grill that have no right to be there.
Happy birthday, America.
I told you you to bring something to share....you brought tequila and a condom
That seems dangerous to buy acid from a stranger on craigslist
Why am I sleeping on top of the fridge?
You were playing hide and seek with the dog. she couldn't find you and you passed out.
last time we tried to watch a movie together, we ended up having really aggressive sex. during the Lion King. so what Disney classic will we be ruining this time?
Btw I thought it was impossible to use up 48 bottles of patron in one night but I was wrong...
Randomize
