feel weird hangin out with you now that i've eaten your sister out
Coming down off exstacy at a church event. Resisting the urge to dance to the church hymns.
So, just so you know... Your vasectomy worked.
bonus
as it turns out, there is no "i was in the pool" excuse for adderall-induced shrinkage.
Hey.. Here's a thought for the evening. There's only two more sleeps until I fuck you so hard my back teeth will convulse.. Here's too Tuesday! Woohooooo
I never should have let my cousin and his pregnant girlfriend move in with me. I'm never having sex again. They scare off men more than 'my dream wedding' pin board.
Then you shook your fists at the sky and explained to us that losing a sneeze is like losing an orgasm
She actually was beyond drunk but she for some reason kept calling herself a demigod and made me drive her to a bookstore
The sex was so bad. I kept sending people snapchats of my face during it.
He used Kanye West lyrics to justify what happened and I accepted his logic
Just set up my first threesome: a rapper and a Marine. Pretty sure at least 80% of girls in America hate me right now.
Don't take advice from me. I'm simultaneously shitting and eating cheesecake.
I came so hard I went blind for a few seconds.
Currently watching high school football on ESPN. Drink every time they say 'this kid's got potential' or 'look at this kid go' or 'atta kid' We're done for..
He just got out of surgery, almost died from shooting him self with an arrow.
Randomize
