you ever fart during an orgasm? feels like u just lost 10 pounds
I was just referred to as 'the margarita slut' by an 11 year old.
just to let you know, its not cheating if i cant feel my hands.
people at meijer look at you funny when you have 37 bottles of champagne in your cart.
Two things. 1 - I want to apologize for my drunkeness last night. 2 - I want to pre-apologize for my anticipated drunkeness tonight.
fyi, she knows we call her the sperm bank. watch your back.
apparently the bartender would rather give me free shots than tell me that my whole nipple piercing was hanging out
As I sit on the toilet at 4 am I realize tonight could have gone a lot better
doing shots of $6 a bottle whiskey and chasing it with milk. my own personal way of saying fuck life.
I'm pretty sure I did the Macarena with a gay guy while shot gunning a beer
Unintentional and slightly frustrating adventures are basically all I'm good for. Expect heart palpitations, cheap food, and homeless men serenading us.
Just went to my first strip club and they had Fox News on. Conservative booty time.
Hey sorry for calling you so much last night. I mixed your number with the pizza guys, and he was running late
Woke up to I'm AWESOME written in purple crayon all over my walls. I love drunk me
I did put on a shirt to start the night, right?
Randomize
