I may have told her we're dating for a handjob, Fake tits are overrated.
If I die tonight, wear a V neck to my funeral.
dear life, i get it, drinking is not a contest
sometimes i really wish you were a nugget.
i dont even know how to be here
so all the bums hang out by my new store, they have a leader we call king bum... He got dethroned by police today for choking out a hooker. The bum heirarchy is in shambles right now.
She has a facebook friends list called oops. theres 33 people in it. she said its all the guys she regrets fucking.
The girl I hooked up with in exchange for Ramen freshmen year is living with the girl I currently wish to bang.
Try oodles of noodles this time.
I just saw a fat chick ask the bartender to top her corona off with grenandine cuz she has a "sweet tooth" no that's diabetes fatty
All right cuz right now I'm in one of those moods where the shear thought of doing anything more strenuous than making a sandwich has me wanting to curl up in the feeble position and splash around in a puddle of my own tears.
He actually has his life put together though, during the date we walked by a shoppers drugmart where my friend and I once flashed a janitor and all I could wonder was how does he not see shit show written all over me?
He took me out, we slept together, and he sent me home this morning with fresh cantaloupe. #husbandstatus
Headphones came off my phone same time as The Weeknd sang "Who's gonna fuck you like me?"...Everyone at work heard it.
Only I could turn my one night stands into class essays. Go me.
Vacuum the place before you go out of town there are random glitter cocks everywhere
Randomize
