Do fat girls normaly have fat that look like a penis by their pussy?
What the hell did you do last night?!
I need a second opinion on who's blood is in my car.
The cops are here to take me to jail, so I guess I have to go with them. If I'm not out by 6 p.m., there is some left-over lasagna in the fridge for you.
Maybe I don't remember every single thing... I think there's a hi lighter treasure map drawn on my arm...
I just found it. I hope it leads to food.
I think we need to teach you what straight means again
Using the only finger i can move, i calculated body mass, intake and time. It's mathematically impossible for me to still have this hangover at 9pm. I passed out at 8pm last night. Fuck vodka.
If you don't get head tonight I will castrate you
Seriously. Castrate.
My apartment smells like a lavender field inside of a giant bong.
I have a boner in one of my pics with her which no one noticed.
Like how hard is it to come up to me with chocolate and wine and say "hey, you're beautiful. Wanna marathon Doctor Who in sweatpants?" Hell yes!
You sent me a naked picture of you as a child? How is that normal
WTF ARE YOU DOING IT'S FUCKING VEGAN COFFEE IT'S MADE WITH NUT MILK YOU'RE NOT A FUCKING SQUIRREL.
Yes. With one-hundred percent positivity I can say yes, I do not want you covered in waffles and syrup when I come home.
Somehow my life has turned in to drug deals at the bar, and illegally camping on a mountain because I have no where else to live.
i know were having a "heart to heart" right now, but does it make you feel uncomfortable that im sexting someone right now?
Randomize
