That was definitely a porn plot just waiting to develop...
it went kinda like vodka, childhood memories, screaming/cursing, fist fight, tears, broken shit, passing out. in that order. tis the season.
My mom can no longer prohibit me from smoking pot..I sell to her boyfriend.
He told the cop he was underage, handed the cop his ID, and the police report read "I then informed the suspect that he was not, in fact, underage"
Cops do not care. One just laughed and said "precious"
What can I say? When alcohol is my motivation, I can move mountains.
gladiator or hannah montana?
This is why I never have to ask who you are when I get a new phone.
i ran into my coworkers when i was walking home last night. i was shirtless. i think i gave my shirt to Walter. he's a cat.
im still drunk. birthday week begins.
tell her i changed her phone's unlock password to be the length of my fully erect penis in centimeters. I'll be in my room for the next two hours.
Strip clubs it is bday boy. One condition. I am in full custody of your ID. I plan on being in no condition to coordinate rescue operations and we need to keep casualties to a minimum. You cannot be trusted.
Alright goddamnit. Can I bring my pirate hat?
I insist.
If you sleep with him again I'll have you spayed
Can cross "get fingered at a state park" off my bucket list
"Only you can prevent yeast infections."
First morning at school this semester and I threw up in a bush during my walk of shame.
I got outsmarted by a door tonight. Twice.
I mean, I'm not hammered, but I definitely can't show my face or tits in that bowling alley again
Randomize
