dude can i febreze my hair or is that slutty?
Well, that's a 3 inch weight lifted off of my vagina
But life isn't just all about getting drunk & eating chicken strips.
I recommend you throw your keys as far as you can in one direction, your phone as far as you can in the opposite direction, and hold on.
You came home with a traffic cone and said, "this is my birthday condom."
I thought I was smashed last night but the girl trying to pee in the fridge had me beat. True story.
how does someone with a Masters Degree leave poop in an ashtray in the sink? It just blows my mind
I just had to explain to an 70+ year old lady what 'coitus' was. This was not in my job description.
Dude. I don't even want cuddles. I just want an acknowledgement that I just had balls in my mouth.
There was nowhere else for me to go. I'm like the island of misfit toys but I'm hot.
See, remember when you wanted to get an Ashley Madison account and I told you not to and you hated me? You. Are. Welcome.
I was actually kind of excited. I mean, how many people can say they've been question by the CIA?
dude, i told you to rally, so you sprinted upstairs, knocked some girl down, and without missing a beat said, "not now bitch, im in the fucking zone" and took off
I think we have some hyper-understanding of each other when drunk, because looking back at our text convo from last night, they were literally just jumbled letters.
Xanax, wine, and giving the neighbor blue balls. How about you?
Jesus, it’s Tuesday morning! Not back stage with Motley Crew
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